


Turn Away

by budapestagain (orphan_account)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Background Destiel, Destiel - Freeform, First Kiss, Kind of angsty, M/M, Sabriel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-28 11:54:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8444833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/budapestagain
Summary: Sam wants a relationship like Dean and Cas have. He wants the late night phonecalls and the reassurance that he's found his soulmate. And he might just find that somewhere close to home.





	

****

Dean had known that his brother liked boys for years.

  Dean had spent the night in a motel room talking to Cas on the phone and in the morning, he slid into the driver’s seat of Baby, yawning and rubbing his tired eyes. He assumed that Sam had gotten another motel room so he definitely wasn’t expecting Sam to pop up from the back seat, pale and nervous.

  “Morning, Sammy,” Dean said. “You okay?”

  “I’m good. Great. You?”

  Dean raised his eyebrow. “Are you sure? You look…worried.”

  Sam opened his mouth to reply when a man sat up, cheeks flushed. He had golden curly hair and a crooked smile and he closely resembled Gabriel except he wasn’t Gabriel at all. Sam looked at him with none of the warmth he had when he looked at the archangel.

  “I should go,” Not-Gabriel said. “Nice to meet you,” he added and Sam smiled at him politely. When he’d disappeared from their view, leaving the motel carpark, Dean turned to Sam and smirked. His smirk vanished when he saw Sam’s face.

  “Listen, Dean, I am sorry.” Sam ran a hand through his hair, looking frustrated. “I thought that we’d wake up before you came back and I thought that I’d be able to get him out of here or something. Shit. I didn’t mean to end up on the backseat of the Impala. I’ll clean it or something. I don’t…he doesn’t have any diseases, I think. I’m sorry. Oh God, I’m sorry.”

  “If you apologise one more time, I will _kill_ you!” Dean exclaimed but that was the wrong thing to say. Sam paled and Dean could see his chest heave as his breathing quickened. Dean wasn’t a stranger to panic attacks but he had never seen Sam have one. “Sam, Sam, no, that’s not-”

  Dean rummaged through his bag and found a bottle of water, passing it over to Sam. Sam gulped it down in relief. “You have every right to be disgusted by me,” Sam said. “I love you, Dean. I know that I’ve fucked up. Random hook-ups were always your thing and it’s stupid because I met him at a _strip club_. I’m…I feel-”

  “Like me?” Dean asked with narrowed eyes.

  “Dean, you know what I mean.”

  “I know that I love you and you hooking up with random men from strip clubs are completely fine as long as you use protection.” Dean couldn’t understand _why_ Sam was so upset but he decided to play the role of caring and not clueless brother. “I don’t care who you have sex with, honestly, as long as it’s not another demon bitch. Why should I care?” He added. “I’m dating an angel of the lord. I’ve made Cas unholy. Like seriously…I made an angel sin in a lot of ways.”

  Sam grimaced at the smirk on Dean’s face and his older brother kicked back into action, discarding memories of late nights and Cas, for now.

  “I’m sorry that you didn’t get to come out the way you wanted to,” Dean said. “But I’m proud of you. You know that, right?”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “Good.”

  Dean started up the engine. Sam blinked in surprise at Dean’s nonchalance about the whole thing and got into the driver’s seat, pulling on some pants before he did, and then they drove home.

 

 

The subject didn’t come back up until a few weeks later.

  Sam was in a crappy motel bed with a woman and he was moaning. Somewhere among the torrent of moaned words and curses and her hands roaming everywhere, he slipped up and came out with, “oh, Gabe, _Gabe_.”

  “Gabe? I’m called Jen.”

  She stopped and so did he and so did time. She sounded so accusing and Sam felt like he was going to throw up.

  “Gabe is…” Sam had a headache. “My safe word?” He suggested but there was enough doubt in his voice for her to shake her head in disbelief.

  “For God’s sake, Sam.”

  “I’m sorry!” He tried to protest but she didn’t seem to care. She pulled on her shoes and shirt. Sam couldn’t bring himself to convince her to stay. He couldn’t be bothered. She wasn’t that important.

  “Gabe’s a lucky person,” she said bitterly before storming out, slamming the door behind her.

  Two seconds later and Dean burst into the room, clutching his phone to his ear, and looking worried. He took one look at Sam and started talking to whoever was on the other side of the phone call.

  “It’s okay, Cas. No emergency. Stay home. I’ll call you later, I promise. Love you too. Night.”

  _Cas_. Of course. Their nightly phone calls warmed Sam’s heart but at the same time, he couldn’t help but be jealous because he wanted that and instead of admitting his feelings for a certain someone, he was sleeping around and breaking both of their hearts.

  “You’re safe, Sam,” Dean said, sitting next to him on the bed. “When we get home, it’ll be normal and good and safe. Cas is always clingy after a hunt. He’ll heal us and bombard us with questions. Crowley’s coming round for dinner when we get home. Cas said he’d make mac and cheese.”

  Gabriel loved mac and cheese. The thought made Sam’s breath catch in his throat and he started sobbing again.

  “Sammy, I saw her run out of here, and she looked mad. I thought she’d hurt you in some way.” Dean’s eyes flickered down to Sam’s unzipped jeans. “Did she-”

  “No, no,” Sam said quickly and Dean seemed to relax. “I’m fine but I just said the wrong thing. I fucked up.”

  “Join the club,” Dean said teasingly. Then he turned serious again. “You can cry it out, if you want. I’ll always be here for you. What do you want me to do?”

  “It’s fine, Dean. Honestly.”

  “What did you say to her?”

  “Just the wrong name.” Sam flushed. Dean was obviously thinking about it, running through a list of names in his head.

  “Crowley? Cas?” Dean grinned. “ _Gabriel_?”

  “Shut up!” Sam looked down at his hands but he could still see, out of the corner of his eye, Dean’s smile widening, like he’d won the lottery. Thankfully, though, he pretended to still be oblivious.

  “Whatever name, it doesn’t matter.” Dean patted Sam’s arm. “Hey, I’m not tired so how about I drive us home and you sleep? Then we’ll swap when I get tired? We could get home early.”

  “That sounds good,” Sam said. He was dreading seeing Gabriel but he could see how much Dean wanted to be with Cas again. “And thanks.”

 

 

They arrived home to find Gabriel and Cas yelling at each other, Chuck watching them, amused. Dean sat next to Cas but Sam just leaned against Gabriel’s chair, heart racing. The archangel looked up at him with a fond smile.

  “Dean, please tell Gabriel that porno is not a real word,” Cas said after the usual ‘hello kiss’ was over with.

  “It is,” Gabriel replied, finally tearing his eyes away from Sam.

  “It’s not in the dictionary.”

  “Pornography is.”

  “You can’t use slang words in Scrabble!”

  Dean laughed and Cas stopped looking so mad and started looking angelic. “Dean, back me up here,” he said. If he had said that a few years ago, it would have been about how best to kill someone but now they argued about board games and laundry.

  “Samsquatch?” Gabriel looked up at Sam again. “Are slang words allowed?”

  “No, don’t cheat.”

  Dean yawned. “I’m going to bed,” he said sleepily. “Coming, Cas?”

  “Yes, I’ll come. Goodnight.” Cas wriggled his fingers at Sam and allowed Chuck to kiss the top of his head.

  “I’m going to do some research,” Chuck said absent-mindedly and wandered off towards his room.

  Sam and Gabriel were left alone so Sam sat down, so it would be less awkward. He was making it awkward. He was reading the words on the board when Gabriel kicked his ankle.

  “Have you ever had a boyfriend?”

  “What?” Sam frowned. “Has Dean said-” He shut himself up quickly but Gabriel’s interest was piqued.

  “Dean hasn’t said anything about your sexuality, no matter how many times I ask him about it. I was just wondering.”

  “I haven’t. Have you?”

  “I guess but I didn’t really like them that much.” Gabriel looked tired. “Have you ever been in love?”

  “I think so.”

  Amelia? Ruby? Sam tried to think of his months with them, about dogs and domestic bliss and demon blood, but his mind was crowded with mental pictures of Gabriel laughing and enchanting Dean’s mouth shut and his crude jokes about Destiel.

  “Is it nice?”

  “You always have someone to talk to and you can tell them things you wouldn’t tell your own brother. They know your worst fears and your doubts and they still love you, despite everything. But I guess that’s true love, not just any old girlfriend or boyfriend. You love them and you’ll never stop. No matter what they do.”

  _Gabriel pretended he was dead. He hurt me. He killed Dean over and over again._

“I don’t know,” Sam ended lamely.

  Gabriel’s eyes were so wide, like liquid sunshine, that Sam had to take a second to remind himself how to breathe. He took a deep breath and his eyes unwillingly dropped to stare at Gabriel’s lips.

  “You talk to me,” Gabriel said softly. “About everything. And I remember you praying to me.”

  _Dear Gabriel, we could really use your help with Dick._

_Dear Gabriel, I know you’re alive. Fuck you._

  “I remember everything,” Gabriel added. “You once said my name accidentally. Every muscle in your body was shining and straining and you were naked, in the shower, and you said my name when you were-”

  “Woah!” Sam held up his hands in protest and Gabriel grinned. “I don’t remember that. But I do remember you faking your own death for years while we struggled.”

  “I remember wanting to keep you safe.”

  “Safe?” Sam choked out a laugh. “Gabe, you idiot, Dean was a demon and I was soulless and the Leviathans killed Bobby. We were definitely not safe. And yet you didn’t come to us. To me.”

  “Whatever.” Gabriel shrugged. “I tried. It doesn’t matter. I’m going to bed.” The archangel stood up and Sam’s heart collapsed in on itself. He followed him to the door and grabbed his jacket sleeve desperately.

  “I’m sorry,” Sam said. “I’m just tired. It’s been a long night.” He paused. “A long month. I came out to Dean a few weeks ago.”

  “Oh.” Gabriel looked confused. “I didn’t know that you were-”

  “I’m not sure _what_ I am. I just…he found me sleeping with a guy.”

  “Surely there’s not a problem with that. He’s practically married to Cas.” Gabriel’s grin came back, wider and brighter than usual. “I’m proud of you, Sam. It takes a lot of courage to come out, especially to people you love.”

  “I’m glad you took it well. It did take me a lot of courage,” Sam said without thinking. He caught the surprised look on Gabriel’s face and blushed. “What?”

  “You love me?”

  “Oh, crap, I didn’t mean that.”

  “Right.” Gabriel’s jaw seemed to tighten and he turned round to walk back out of the room.

  “N-no, Gabe!” Sam called out. He chased the archangel down the corridor but he was surprisingly fast. They were near Dean’s bedroom when Sam caught up with him, holding onto his wrist and not letting go.

  “The hardest part of faking my death was leaving you, Sam, so if you think that I did it for the easy way out, you are very much mistaken!” Gabriel yelled. Sam could do nothing but stare, eyes wide. He’d never seen him break the usual calm composure before. “It was hard leaving you because I liked you! I thought that you understood me. When I told you who I was, you looked like you knew why I do what I do! Why I ran away! You ran away too.”

  A door opened and Dean looked out. He saw them and quickly stepped back into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Sam could just imagine him telling Cas in hushed tones what was happening. They’d be glued against the door, probably.

  “I understand you, Gabriel. I honestly do. So I didn’t mean to say that I don’t love you.”

  “Then why did you say it?”

  “Why do you care if I love you or not?” Sam spat out and he knew that he was just being spiteful because he was hurt but he couldn’t help doing it. “Why should you care? We’re not dating. I don’t need to buy you roses and proclaim my love for you every night.”

  “I suppose that I should be _lucky_ that Sam Winchester even considered dating me!” Gabriel sounded disgusted. “I’m leaving. I can’t deal with you anymore.”

  “ _Gabriel_!” Sam screamed out. “Don’t you _fucking_ dare! Don’t you dare leave me again!”

  The archangel glowered and opened his mouth to say something but Sam grabbed him and kissed him. Gabriel stood on the tip of his toes to wrap his arms around Sam’s neck and push into the kiss.

  “Please don’t leave,” Sam whispered into Gabriel’s lips. “Please.”

  “I didn’t mean it,” Gabriel said. “I would have come back.”

  “I didn’t mean it, either.” Sam pulled away just long enough to say, “I do love you.”

  Gabriel laughed. “I love you too, Samsquatch. And your moose-ness and your gorgeous hair and your beautiful soul and _you_. I am infatuated with you.”

  For the first time, Sam thought that he saw a shadow of Gabriel’s wings behind him. But he only saw them for a second before they were gone. Sam didn’t mind. He didn’t want the angelic powers or the wings or the strength. He wanted Gabriel. And, for the first time, he had him.

 


End file.
